Clouds, Clarity and Housecleaning

Today on the bus, despite my extreme exhaustion, I was wide awake.

There is something about a day like today that makes it feel like electricity is running through my veins.

The perfect songs came on my iPod randomly, and the sky was so clear and blue that it evoked a feeling of clarity of mind and produced a certain awareness of myself and my thoughts.

I'm not sure how a blue sky can do that, or how bad weather has adverse effects on one's mood, but it seems we are creatures that are influenced heavily (some more than others) by the environment that surrounds us.

I must have looked like a space case to anyone looking at me on the bus, but really, I could have cared less. I just sat there, listening to "It Never Entered My Mind" by Miles Davis (which is a really nice jazz song) and stared up at the sky and the clouds.

The clouds were perfect for watching today. You know the kind where you lie on a hill and try to make the clouds look like faces or animals or other things? They were like that.

Sometimes I think they look like far away kingdoms too. The clouds that are really far away look like towers and castles and buildings.

I didn't get enough sleep lastnight, and the way I felt today reminded me of something; although undersleeping makes you feel pretty lousy, it usually, at some point, offers me some kind of clarity, like I said earlier. I don't know if it's just because my brain is functionning slower than normal, so it just seems like things are clearer or less cluttered, or if it really does just clear out my mind.

For once in my life, I feel like I'm making a beginning, but it's not this big dramatic thing. It's just me trying to sort things out. I realize this time around that I don't need to completely re-invent myself or trash everything and start over. There are so many great things about myself that I would not change. Instead, it's more like taking inventory of my life thus far, and getting rid of what I'm not using, improving on the things that need to be improved on, and nourishing the parts of me that need to be fed. And I'm doing it for me.

The other thing I realize is that it's not going to happen overnight. And for once it doesn't bother me that I won't see instant results. Instead, I'm looking forward to the journey towards becoming a woman that I always wanted to be, a woman I thought I would be when I was a kid.

I guess, in a way, it's like housecleaning. Or gardening.

Maybe this explains my newfound obsession with plants...