Beauty

A woman at work yesterday stopped me mid-sentence and asked, "Are you wearing make-up today?"
Slightly taken aback, I responded that no, I hadn't put on any make-up. I hadn't even done my hair, and my outfit was anything but flattering or well thought out.
She said, "You look so beautiful. I guess I never really looked at you when we were talking before, but I just looked at you now and you're face is so beautiful!"
After a few bashful thank-yous and a lot of blushing, it hit me. I knew why I looked so different, so beautiful.
"You know why, Jane?" I said with a smile.
"It's because I'm in love."

And it's true. No reservations. It really does make a difference in someone when it's real, true love.

I was glowing.

Clouds, Clarity and Housecleaning

Today on the bus, despite my extreme exhaustion, I was wide awake.

There is something about a day like today that makes it feel like electricity is running through my veins.

The perfect songs came on my iPod randomly, and the sky was so clear and blue that it evoked a feeling of clarity of mind and produced a certain awareness of myself and my thoughts.

I'm not sure how a blue sky can do that, or how bad weather has adverse effects on one's mood, but it seems we are creatures that are influenced heavily (some more than others) by the environment that surrounds us.

I must have looked like a space case to anyone looking at me on the bus, but really, I could have cared less. I just sat there, listening to "It Never Entered My Mind" by Miles Davis (which is a really nice jazz song) and stared up at the sky and the clouds.

The clouds were perfect for watching today. You know the kind where you lie on a hill and try to make the clouds look like faces or animals or other things? They were like that.

Sometimes I think they look like far away kingdoms too. The clouds that are really far away look like towers and castles and buildings.

I didn't get enough sleep lastnight, and the way I felt today reminded me of something; although undersleeping makes you feel pretty lousy, it usually, at some point, offers me some kind of clarity, like I said earlier. I don't know if it's just because my brain is functionning slower than normal, so it just seems like things are clearer or less cluttered, or if it really does just clear out my mind.

For once in my life, I feel like I'm making a beginning, but it's not this big dramatic thing. It's just me trying to sort things out. I realize this time around that I don't need to completely re-invent myself or trash everything and start over. There are so many great things about myself that I would not change. Instead, it's more like taking inventory of my life thus far, and getting rid of what I'm not using, improving on the things that need to be improved on, and nourishing the parts of me that need to be fed. And I'm doing it for me.

The other thing I realize is that it's not going to happen overnight. And for once it doesn't bother me that I won't see instant results. Instead, I'm looking forward to the journey towards becoming a woman that I always wanted to be, a woman I thought I would be when I was a kid.

I guess, in a way, it's like housecleaning. Or gardening.

Maybe this explains my newfound obsession with plants...

Memories

There is something that happens to me every single day, and yet it still catches me off guard everytime it happens.
I'll be doing some kind of monotonous task, like the dishes or folding laundry or getting in the shower, and I'll remember something that happened months ago... and it feels like I am there again. Away from all of these nightmarish experiences that have recently taken place, away from lies and away from sadness. I go back to places and times when I was happier, when I was in love, when I was loved, and I'm telling you... it feels so real. It feels like I am back there again.
I haven't decided yet whether this is a blessing or a curse. The memories are happy, but it just makes them contrast that much more with the messy and disheartening state of affairs that I am surrounded by.
Parts of me want to be desperate, go crazy, do anything I can to make things right with the people I have wronged. And then there is this part of me that is so tired... so exhausted. It's the part of me that feels like I have been chasing after something for so long now. I feel weary, I just want to find a place in my mind where I have some peace and feel like things are being resolved. I wonder all day long when I will finally get to this place, or if I ever will. Is there such thing as peace of mind? If there is, it must be quite temporary indeed.
Do I do everything? Or do nothing? And is there any point in doing anything that falls in the middle of those two categories? Or is there even anything to be done? Can anything be done? I don't mean to say that all attempts are futile, or that the people I am trying to reconcile with are not worth the effort... I am just so damned tired of all of this. I just want to settle down a bit.

Luckily I have work to distract me for a little while. And some funny people around me that help to make me smile and forget for a few minutes the way I am feeling about my life in general. That, without question, is a blessing and not a curse.
Laughter really is one of the best medicines, however temporary it may be.

I wish sometimes I didn't remember everything in such great detail...

Self Discovery

Does the sound of your own voice ever surprise you?
Sometimes, or most times, it happens to me when I am alone all day, and then I say something out loud to myself after not speaking for a few hours. It sounds like it's not coming from my mouth. It sounds loud and tinny almost. It echoes off the walls. It bounces back into my ears and alarms me.
It happened tonight while I was on the phone. I had been talking the whole time, obviously, for a good hour, but at one point in the conversation, I said something and it felt like it wasn't me talking or something... my voice surprised me.
I think it might have been the honesty, the conviction I had when I said whatever it was that I said. It was disarming but encouraging at the same time. After weaving such a terrible web of lies, I can still be honest. And I am still strong.

I surprise even myself at times.

Rain

I did something tonight that I used

to enjoy doing very much, but for one

reason or another (probably sheer laziness),

I stopped doing it...

I went for a walk in the rain.

I had to go to the bank, and the walk there was hurried and not enjoyable at all. But on the way back, I slowed down a little bit and tried to enjoy it.

I was in my own world underneath my black umbrella with one of the spoke-things broken, making a clanking noise evertime I took a step. "December" by Regina Spektor was playing on my iPod. I don't particularily like the whole song, but the beginning is just her playing the piano in a slow and hesitant sort of way, and it just went perfectly with the rain.

December starts on Sunday

Next Sunday, won't you feel happier then?

Turn your room upside down

Turn your down upside

Rumors have started that you are in love again
Rumors that are completely unsubstantiated
Come on and say you're sorry,

Real sorry for the trouble that you caused

Can't you see all this love?

Can't you see all this love?

Sure, I felt a bit soggy, but once you just let go and forget about all of that comfort stuff, you can really enjoy almost anything. Appreciate almost anything. I've been reminding myself of that a lot lately; that when you just take a deep breath and relax, things go much smoother.

Saturday I went swimming in the Bonnechere River. I was sitting on a rock, letting the strong current push the water over my legs, and then I lay back to put my hair in. It was so cold, and I felt my chest tighten and my breath quicken. Instead of jerking my head out of the water, though, I thought to myself: "How can you not take advantage of this?" It was a hot day, and here I was sitting in a river with a strong current to gently massage my muscles and friends around to share it with.

I lay back, closed my eyes, and breathed in the humid air.

It was lovely once I relaxed a bit.

So was my walk this evening, in the rain. I didn't want to come inside.

Good Rain Songs

Blackbird - The Beatles

(I Can't Seem To) Make You Mine - The Clientelle

Choux Pastry Heart - Corrine Bailey Rae
Yesterday - The Beatles

December - Regina Spektor

Here With Me - Dido

Lonely Lonely - Feist

Psychobabble - FrouFrou

All The Wild Horses - Ray Lamontagne

Thinking About You - Norah Jones

Moon River - Patty Griffin

Lady - Regina Spektor

World Keeps Turning - Tom Waits

Crying - Roy Orbison

Ode To Divorce - Regina Spektor